I've decided that I need to do what my daddy did for me.
My father lay in a hospital bed in the early winter of 2013, none of us assured any outcome. After a number of heart attacks, stabilization issues, he was slated for a quadruple plus bypass. Daddy doesn't do anything small, even when it comes to medical issues.
I spent weeks away from work, thousands of miles away from my husband and children. I wanted to make sure I was there for my parents. Daddy came out of his surgery, and a day later, I was blessed to spend an afternoon with him by myself. Much of the time was spent just sitting there, watching him sleep. When he did wake up, we spent time chatting about life, ethereal things that people don't always address.
After that day, I made peace with death. Not just my dad's, but my own. It was all due to my father's amazing insight and retrospection. Not to say that when I lose a soul that I love that I won't be crushed, but, my Daddy gave me some amazing insight as to what it means to 'live a life'.
Dad said to me just this:
"Suzie, I have been so very lucky. I grew up with no hopes of succeeding, amounting to anything. My parents were divorced, and back in THOSE days, that was a death sentence for any dreams or inspirations for many. My dad married a woman years later. I was an orphan, no one wanted me. She gave me another chance. I never called her my 'step mother', because she was the only mom I was given at that point."
"She came into my life when I was 13 years old. She had a handful when she took me on. We persevered, and I finally graduated high school when I was 21. Went into the service during the 'peacekeeping' mission in Vietnam. Came back, took advantage of the GI bill and got my Associates Degree in Business. During that time, fell in love with the girl of my dreams, and when the time was right, asked her to marry me. What I've done since then, it's all icing on the cake. A dream. ME, I actually accomplished things that I would have never dreamed of. Married the most wonderful woman I could have ever asked for. She's stuck by me for so many years, and loved me, no matter what. I have two kids who have given me such great joy. I couldn't ask for more. More money would be nice, but seriously, I've lived a dream. If I die tomorrow, I die a fulfilled man."
I've been contemplating my life recently. I actually will echo my daddy. Although I've not had an easy path in life, I consider myself blessed, lucky, living a dream. No, I don't have a mansion, I currently live with my husband and 2 youngest adult kids, in a 900 square foot, 3 bedroom apartment. BUT, I have amazing neighbors who I truly love and appreciate. I live in an upscale town that still keeps its New England charm and sensibilities.
I get to work for a company, and in a position that many would envy. Nope. No fancy title, but to be hired by my company, well, most would have a better shot of getting into Harvard than here. I have co-workers who are some of the most brilliant people I've ever known, who all have hearts of gold, strive to be better people, personally and professionally, every. damned. day. There are 'big wigs' who actually take time and care about me, as a person. And when I reach out to them for help, they come as Moses for me and part the sea.
I married my best friend. We are blessed with four amazing souls whom I adore, support, and cheer for. We love Star Wars, and all of us have a 'ties that bind' catch to one another, a 'thing' that we as adults can bond over.
My life outside of my family? Well, I have some seriously deep bonds with others. I live and love deeply, and there are so many souls who've crossed my path that I genuinely route for every day. Agape, that's what they call it. When you love someone that you just love as a soul. My former students, very near and dear friends, and some co-workers who I earnestly appreciate because they are genuinely 'good people' (as you'd say in New England speak).
Reflecting on my conversation with Daddy during those tenuous times, I can now understand, and align myself.
If I died tomorrow, I'm good. I'd be disappointed that I couldn't do more, but that's not the point.
I know that I've reached out to those that are struggling, I gave some amazing souls a new perspective, I made a difference in hundreds of children's (and their parents) lives, I fought for people's rights, accessibility, for equality, and if I died tomorrow.... if no one grieved, it's ok. I'm happy where I am, I am happy with what I've done. I am happy that I've made a true contribution to our society. It doesn't mean that I'm giving up on achieving more, it's that if I expire before I'm ready, I'm OK with what I've left as a legacy.
Are you ready? Are you happy with what you've left behind? I could die tonight and know that I've impacted lives. Can you say the same?
