CTA: Are You Ready to Die?

 I've decided that I need to do what my daddy did for me.

My father lay in a hospital bed in the early winter of 2013, none of us assured any outcome.  After a number of heart attacks, stabilization issues, he was slated for a quadruple plus bypass.  Daddy doesn't do anything small, even when it comes to medical issues.

I spent weeks away from work, thousands of miles away from my husband and children. I wanted to make sure I was there for my parents.  Daddy came out of his surgery, and a day later, I was blessed to spend an afternoon with him by myself.  Much of the time was spent just sitting there, watching him sleep.  When he did wake up, we spent time chatting about life, ethereal things that people don't always address.

After that day, I made peace with death.  Not just my dad's, but my own.  It was all due to my father's amazing insight and retrospection.  Not to say that when I lose a soul that I love that I won't be crushed, but, my Daddy gave me some amazing insight as to what it means to 'live a life'.

Dad said to me just this:

"Suzie, I have been so very lucky.  I grew up with no hopes of succeeding, amounting to anything.  My parents were divorced, and back in THOSE days, that was a death sentence for any dreams or inspirations for many. My dad married a woman years later.  I was an orphan, no one wanted me.  She gave me another chance.  I never called her my 'step mother', because she was the only mom I was given at that point."

"She came into my life when I was 13 years old.  She had a handful when she took me on.  We persevered, and I finally graduated high school when I was 21.  Went into the service during the 'peacekeeping' mission in Vietnam.  Came back, took advantage of the GI bill and got my Associates Degree in Business.  During that time, fell in love with the girl of my dreams, and when the time was right, asked her to marry me.  What I've done since then, it's all icing on the cake.  A dream.  ME, I actually accomplished things that I would have never dreamed of.  Married the most wonderful woman I could have ever asked for.  She's stuck by me for so many years, and loved me, no matter what.  I have two kids who have given me such great joy.  I couldn't ask for more.  More money would be nice, but seriously, I've lived a dream.  If I die tomorrow, I die a fulfilled man."

I've been contemplating my life recently.  I actually will echo my daddy.  Although I've not had an easy path in life, I consider myself blessed, lucky, living a dream.  No, I don't have a mansion, I currently live with my husband and 2 youngest adult kids, in a 900 square foot, 3 bedroom apartment.  BUT, I have amazing neighbors who I truly love and appreciate.  I live in an upscale town that still keeps its New England charm and sensibilities. 

 I get to work for a company, and in a position that many would envy.  Nope.  No fancy title, but to be hired by my company, well, most would have a better shot of getting into Harvard than here.  I have co-workers who are some of the most brilliant people I've ever known, who all have hearts of gold, strive to be better people, personally and professionally, every. damned. day.  There are 'big wigs' who actually take time and care about me, as a person.  And when I reach out to them for help, they come as Moses for me and part the sea.

I married my best friend.  We are blessed with four amazing souls whom I adore, support, and cheer for.  We love Star Wars, and all of us have a 'ties that bind' catch to one another, a 'thing' that we as adults can bond over.

My life outside of my family?  Well, I have some seriously deep bonds with others. I live and love deeply, and there are so many souls who've crossed my path that I genuinely route for every day.  Agape, that's what they call it.  When you love someone that you just love as a soul.  My former students, very near and dear friends, and some co-workers who I earnestly appreciate because they are genuinely 'good people' (as you'd say in New England speak).

Reflecting on my conversation with Daddy during those tenuous times, I can now understand, and align myself.  

If I died tomorrow, I'm good. I'd be disappointed that I couldn't do more, but that's not the point. 

I know that I've reached out to those that are struggling, I gave some amazing souls a new perspective, I made a difference in hundreds of children's (and their parents) lives, I fought for people's rights, accessibility, for equality, and if I died tomorrow.... if no one grieved, it's ok.  I'm happy where I am, I am happy with what I've done. I am happy that I've made a true contribution to our society.  It doesn't mean that I'm giving up on achieving more, it's that if I expire before I'm ready, I'm OK with what I've left as a legacy.

Are you ready?  Are you happy with what you've left behind?  I could die tonight and know that I've impacted lives. Can you say the same?

Gen X Against The World

First... let me clear up some misnomers.... some things that a 30 year old manager doesn't know.... or at least realize.  I am GEN X.... and proud of it.

Gen X helped create 'the Interwebs' (note my snark).  I spent time working in HTML and Basica before you were born (well, some of you).

I am and have been an alpha and beta tester on more platforms and have forgotten more than what most younger than me will ever know.  (Ello, Blab anyone??)

If you are a 'young' manager (under the age of 50) and you find yourself sitting across the interview table from someone that's an X'er, prod, poke, and see if they haven't been overlooked solely because of age.  Just because they're in proximity of your parents' age, doesn't mean that they're incompetent to learn new platforms or understand taxonomy of a site.

WE CREATED THAT STUFF!!!

I urge you to take a moment, take the time to interview and vet a potential hire that's Gen X.  Don't walk in with preconceived notions.  Yes... my boomer parents instilled that I needed to show up to work sick, to show my devotion to the company.  Now... I am blessed that I have a manager who sent me home a year ago, asking me to just get well and come back whole.  I could be my boss's parent, and enjoy that I can be there for him, give him my 'unpolished' comments and insights, to which he has agreed to some of them, surprise!

I don't look at you and judge you by your age, why do you do the same to me?  My generation fought for the opportunity to work and progress, no matter you age, but by your experience, knowledge, and what you bring to the table.  Gen X appreciates intelligence and celebrates success, no matter what you look like or what age you are.  We were the first to break barriers, push the envelope.  We still do that... when we're given the chance.

If you're looking to hire someone with fire, passion, a willingness, and the proven capabilities to transform and learn, you might want to consider that 48 year old over the 24 year old, cause we bring skills and insight you don't have yet. Don't assume what we would ask for pay.... that's... well... assumptive.

We are not boomers (did I say that already?).  We are the first gen tech savvy... we are the ground breakers, the people that want to still stay relevant, and can be just that for your company.

Give me a Gen X any day over someone who doesn't have depth.... we'll still get that ish every day.

Fate & Newton

Up until a VERY short while ago... I believed that if I planned, prepared, took the right steps, that everything would happen the way I wished it would.  My work, and the life that I've been living, have taught me that it doesn't always happen that way.

Fate is part of a belief system.  In this mind frame, one subscribes that things are created, people meet, or events occur due to a predestined plan.  All of these things happen through a divinity, or super power that is beyond human kind, and no one person has control of what happens to them.

While I will grant that coincidence and circumstances play heavily in most people's lives, I now see that those are things in which we can manipulate, or rather, harness to create another pathway for ourselves.

With every decision that we make, it creates an inevitable set of actions and reactions.  Our lives are truly a perfect example of Newton's Law of Motion, more specifically the Third Law of Motion.  The difference is that there are numerous independant and dependant variables that impact everything that we wish to do, and why the decisions that we make don't turn out the way we had hoped (and planned) that they would.

Rather than fate, my thoughts are that the presence of confounding variables (much like a 'black swan') is what really impacts our plans in life the most.  These are variables that, when introduced to the independant and dependant variables, changes/alters things to the point of uselessness. This would be why those amazing plans in life don't work the way you envisioned them.  It is not necessarily that you didn't 'expect the unexpected', however, lives are full of  moments that we sometimes don't have the capability or understanding to perceive how much they actually influence the next decision.

I am not a proponent of the 'uselessness' club, because I believe we all serve a purpose here on this blue ball, either to the planet, society, or to others directly.  As romantic as the 'red string of fate' mentality is, and that 'fate' brings things to light, people together, and events to 'spontaneously' happen, there really is no such thing.  It is a fairy tale, a dream, wishful thinking, to excuse the decisions we have made. 

Today, I will live in the day, and am no longer bound by the constraints of naivety or 'wishful thinking'.  There will be a deliberate effort to embrace the moment that I am in, and accept where I am at in my life. 

It doesn't mean that I can't dream, but I will be living more fully in the reality of what is in front of me, so that I can make ever more clearer choices every time I have the opportunity to do so.

Out of Touch

As I watch the world news tonight unfold, something finally strikes me.  The beautiful Botoxed woman in front of the camera, the one with the impeccable plastic surgery, wonderful make up artists, and wardrobe people, exclaims that she’s bewildered by the Haitian and Cubans who are staying put while a very strong Category 4 (fluctuating between a 4 and 5 for the past 48 hours) barrels towards them, promising impending doom.

She’s so out of touch.  She’s spent too much time dining in fine establishments, having her every whim catered, that she doesn’t comprehend what it’s like to be someone with nothing to lose, but one’s life.  This woman considers a car ‘issue’ a HUGE issue. The fact that she HAS a car is something that many of those would be grateful to have.  Dishwashers, clothes washers, dryers… shall I go on? They don’t have these luxuries, they can only wish for a piece of that, one of those things, because, when you are poor, there’s a price to be paid, precious time, exorbitant money in ‘rental solutions’, and just a lack of.

When a ‘normal day’ encompasses finding potable water, being able to put at least one meal in front of your children a day, when your home has a dirt floor and you don’t have air conditioning.  When you live in a neighborhood that is predispositioned to violence.  You live in an area because that’s where you can afford to live.  Rent… not owning, because enough strikes against you in the game of life.

The inhabitants, to numb their weary hearts and bodies, turn to things that numb the mind and body, just so they can face another day without losing their mind while they see others so well off.  Others pray, a lot. They turn to a God that somehow hears their meager prayers, and allows them to face another day of the existence that they are eaking out.

Those who ‘have’ are so quick to judge the decisions of those who ‘have not’.  The ‘have nots’ are those that are willing to stand their ground, keep watch over themselves and their families and neighbors, and are the first to respond to others when they need physical assistance, because that’s all they can afford to give.

When did it happen? When did our society become so divergent, between the ‘haves and have nots’?  What ever happened to the middle class, because I’m seeing more ‘lower’ and ‘higher’ but no middle in sight. You can’t tell me that it’s only the under/uneducated… because I see people with college degrees waiting on tables, because they don’t have the ‘connections’ or they are too old for the job force. 

(Sidebar: I had a wonderful man wait on myself and my daughter in a little neighborhood restaurant last week. He’s got a Masters degree, but apparently, doesn’t have enough connections in order to get a job.) 

I listen to this announcer discuss with a ‘street reporter’ about ‘security’ for a poor b-list celeb that got robbed in Paris. My stomach turns… there are so many others that are far more worthy of the time they’re wasting on this ‘celeb’, there are people who are doing life changing things for others, at their own sacrifice, and yet… we’re more concerned with this woman than we are with the truly beautiful people. The people with souls who stand in the face of dire straights, insurmountable odds, and horrific storms.

My Sweetest Twisted

It’s 3 am…. My 18 year old wakes up, sobbing and screaming “Mommy!”.

I rush into her room, knowing that she didn’t take her anti-psychotic medicine.

“I’m bleeding, my hair, I hit my head when I fell and now it’s bleeding. My brain, inside my head… I’m going to die. I am dyeing Mamma. Oh my God…. Buddy [the family dog] he’s DEAD! Oh my God, I love him, why did he have to die?”

I assure her that Buddy is not only alive, but overweight and in need of a walk with her tomorrow.  I rush to my bedroom, retrieve the rat terrier, and carry him quickly to my girl’s room, placing him directly onto her.  I know that if she has a tactile, a ‘grounding’ moment… it will help her ‘argue off’ the voices that lie to her in her mind. She is still insisting that she’s bleeding in her brain, that there’s now blood over all of the pillows, that the neighbors now hate her because she woke up in the middle of the night.  I assure her that she and I (as well as Buddy) are the only ones who know that she’s awake. We’re the only one’s aware of her hallucination.  She now tells me that we need to move, and move soon. 

Just the other day, we were traveling from Attleboro to Mansfield. Carrying a new found treasure. A chair that Christa bought from Savers that cost a whole $7.   She told me, in strict confidence, that she could hear the people talking in the vehicle behind us. That they were saying horrible things about us.  They were not only complaining about us doing the 35 mile per hour speed limit, but they were taking our license plate number down, calling the local authorities to report that our trunk was open and we were travelling. After 5 minutes or so, I informed her that the car behind us turned off onto another road, and that we no longer had to deal with those people, that they weren’t talking about us, and we would be fine.

I can’t say when I stopped sleeping through the night. I don’t like going to bed until I know that my children are safe, content, and fast asleep.  My baby girl, at 18, has now flipped the charts of parenting on me.  Because of the chemical imbalance in her mind and body, it’s not unusual for her to be awake in the wee hours of the morning.  Many days my husband will wake for work, 4:30, 5am to go to work… only to find that our girl is still wide awake. She’s awake because she’s fighting the demons in her mind.  The one’s that show up and tell her a myriad of lies. The one’s that taunt her, make fun of her, tell her falsehoods.

My girl never got the opportunity to complete high school. I will save THAT sordid story of administration failing epic ally (and politics that were played) for another time. She never went to a prom, any high school event, ever.  Didn’t really have a ‘high school experience’. After going through the hellaciousness of middle school nastiness… one would hope for a dance, a semi, a some sort of extracurricular activity… my child’s chemical imbalance robbed us all of that.

There are days, nights mostly, that I spend with my girl, working through her thoughts, talking out the issues that are resting on the surface of her mind.  She’s an old soul trapped in an 18 year old body. She “gets it” when she’s not struggling with the ‘Bad Man’ or the ‘old ladies who argue and judge’.  She’s a grateful soul. I didn’t have a nth of what she has when I was her age.  She discusses holistic societal issues. How people should treat one another, what the ‘hang ups’ are with each generation.  I can tell you that if Wall Street stock pickers, sociologists, politicians listened to her, they would gain a wealth of insight into how the world is, what the stripped down, no PC added, issues are with our society,  wants to figure out a way to combat her disease without taking SSI to survive. (That’s kind of an issue, considering that she struggles in social situations due to social anxiety disorder, beyond the schizoaffective disorder).  She wants to volunteer time to local organizations so that she can actually ‘pay it back’. 

What breaks my heart? When she’s sobbing, apologizing for doing her perceived wrongs… when she’s done absolutely NOTHING wrong. And then she says... “Momma… no one will ever be able to love me. I will never be able to find love. I won’t have anything. No family, no career, no nothing. I might as well die right now.”

What the hell. She is very lovable… it’s the disease that’s nasty, but, it’s controllable. I wonder…. If there’s any hope for my sweetest Twisted (a nickname I gave her when she was very young due to her macabre and sarcastic sense of humor).

I don’t know how this ends, but I know that it never will. Not for my Twisted, not for myself, until I take my last breath. I will be here, helping her fight the demons and making damned well certain  that  there’s time, a goal, and something, anything, to look forward to.